Abduction

There’s a new Twilight moving coming out soon (actually I think it’s already out in the more developed world). I bet some teenage girls just took of their panties and started swinging em around their heads while screaming out whoops of joy at the top of their lungs. Dudes like me on the other hand had to rush out of the cinema hall while the preview was still showing to go and barf in the toilet. Funny enough I have never sat to watch a single Twilight movie from beginning to end but the little I have seen in the previews and from snippets on TV I know I’d rather spit on the floor and watch it dry than sit through one of them.

I’m sure some of y’all are wondering why I am going in on Twilight instead of doing a proper movie review and all I have to say is that everything in life is done for a reason. Actually the movie I shall be reviewing today is titled Abduction and stars the werewolf from Twilight, Taylor Swift or whatever is name is. I know most of my regulars have already lost interest at this point and I can just picture y’all walking out of the cinema hall, but before I go further let me just say that the movie is not bad. I plead with you to read till the end and bear with all my hating. I’m a hater and hating is what I do best.

Anyways the movie starts with Taylor Swift (I know that’s not his real name but I think it suits him quite well) partying and generally showing youthful exuberance. Then his dad picks him up and forces him into a boxing training session which turns into a brutal attempt to murderize each other. Basically it shows that the young man can physically take care of himself. Then there is some teenage stuff with the hot chic who he can’t talk to and they are put into the same group on an assignment. While trying to do the assignment they find evidence on the net that our young hero may have been abducted as a kid. At which point the young man tries to start investigating his background. Somewhere in this, there are a group of foreign bad guys looking from him who are alerted of his present location. Somehow somehow he gets to witness the murder of his foster parents and goes on a hunt for his real parents with his classmate/neighbour/dream girl while been chased by the foreign baddies and the CIA.

That’s about all I can say about the plot of the movie. Have you ever watched a 4 hour movie before? If yes, you know the feeling of going through an entire life time in a couple of hours. You come out feeling extremely drained. This movie was exactly that, only it was just two hours. The director of the movie deserves an award of some sort because what he did was a real feat. Very few people can make such little time feel so long. In simple English the movie drags ooooooooooooooonnnnnnnn. Not that it was boring but I personally believe that if the movie was between 30minutes to one hour it would have been much better. I would love to tell you to catch it before it leaves the cinema but if you don’t get to do that, feel free to download and watch it at home but note that watching it at home may take 3 or 4 attempts due to sleep breaks.

Love to stick around and chit chat but I can’t hear in one ear and my lip reading abilities have really dwindled over the years so till I can get the wax outta my ear, I am and hopefully won’t remain….

E the Mean Waxed Machine

1  =  run to the cinema NOW!!!
2  =  walk to the cinema
3  =  catch the movie before it leaves the cinema
4  =  download the movie
5  =  copy the movie from someone who was unfortunate enough to download it
6  =  avoid this movie at all costs

Colmbiana

Coming to you live from the office of a certain financial institution in Lagos, Nigeria it is I the greatest thing to happen to moviedom……. E! (and the crowd goes absolutely bat shit crazy)

Hi kids, do you like violence???? If the answer is yes, then you are in for a jolly good ride because Colombiana is a violent, action packed, romantic drama………… I’m sure your mind went blank after reading the romantic drama part but we shall go into detail on that in a bit. Todays movie review shall be on Colombiana, a movie starring Zoey Saldana (not sure if thats the correct spelling, but I really don’t care because she is barely a star :P). I remember her from The Losers (a kinda dissapointing movie) and was told she was one of them blue people in Avatar. Anyways ain’t many names in the movie but as we have come to learn, in mordern day Hollywood, the size of the star doesn’t necessarily determine the size of the movie. The movie starts with Zoey as a child (there was some little none too important stuff before it) who witnesses the murder of her Dad and Mum and has to escape in the most gangsta escape for a child in the histrory of moviedom. She runs off to her Uncle following her Dads instructions and requests for him to trin her to be a killer. 15 years later, she is a full blown hottie who proceeds to carry out one of the most daring assasinations I have seen in recent memory. Anyways the movie sha goes on with the ultimate goal of she getting revenge on the killers of her parents. That’s about the size of it

Now back to the romantic drama earlier metioned. Somewhere in the midst of the hardcore assasination, some genius, at least that’s what the person probably thinks he or she is, tried to throw in a stupid romantic sub plot. Thank God sha, the sub plot eventually had a connection to the main plot even though I think it was wholly unnecessary. I guess I just have a problem with portraying a strong chic in a movie who gets all lovey dovey. If she is a hard emotionless killer, she should remain a hard emotionles killer or whoever is stopping her from that should be killed.

Anyways, the movie is not bad, not good, but not bad. My best part of it has to be the escape scene at the beginning, the little girl who acted that part deserves an Oscar! I n general the movie started of quite well but kinda dragged as it goes on and you start to seriously dilike the main character in the movie because she is just been plain stupid. While the movie kinda deseves to be watched in the cinema, I really have to advise you to download it, get a cold drink and some guguru or okin biscuit and watch it on the biggest screen TV available in your neighbourhood (4).

Anyways I shall be leaving you now at least until I graduate from Assassin school. I am and shall become, the black ninja the mean male machine.

1  =  run to the cinema NOW!!!
2  =  walk to the cinema
3  =  catch the movie before it leaves the cinema
4  =  download the movie
5  =  copy the movie from someone who was unfortunate enough to download it
6  =  avoid this movie at all costs

In Time

First of all I would like to say that I was late for the movie I am reviewing today. I wasn’t in time for IN TIME. Actually, I have wanted to use this line since I saw the name of the movie and unfortunately it actually happened. I really hate been late for movies but this was occasioned by a lack of transportation (all the okadas were hiding away from the rain, punk ass bi****). Anyways I was barely 5 mins late. With certain movies, you can come in 30mins late and after a few minutes of watching, the movie sort of starts to make sense. With this particualr movie, even though I worked out what it was all about, even after I got to the end I still had a feeling that I had missed something quite important. Unfortunately all the bozos I know who had seen the movie were also not in time for In Time. Thanks to the internet, I was able to grab what I missed so I’m not gonna be giving an incomplete review, yipeeeee!

So let’s get on with it. In Time is a sci-fi/drama/action starring Justin Trousersnake sorry Justin Timberlake who we may remember from two dodgy movies he has featured in this year, Bad Teacher & Friends With Benefits and Amanda Seyfred who I know but don’t really know. Let me just say I love Mr. Timberfake (#nohomo), not really because of his acting which he is not too bad at, but for his music which I really wish he would go back to. The movie also has Cillian Murphy in it (Batman Begins & Dark Knight were he played Scarecrow) and quite a number of TV faces who don’t necessarily have names including 13 from House. The movie is about a time sometime in the future where death by natural causes has been eradicated and in order to control population, people get a timer which takes effect once they turn 25 and basically gives them 1 year in which to live. Now time has also become the universal means of exchange (money) and in order to live longer than your 26 years of free life, you have to earn time by working, stealing or whatever other means you can get it by. Unfortunately some people, much like with money, have monopolized time and there is a massive divide between the rich and the poor. The average poor dude is walking about with just 24 hours on his clock and he has to eat, transport himself and take care of his various needs with that which effectively shortens his actual life span. While the rich folks walk around with thousands of hours and live their lives in the constant fear of dying of unnatural causes. Anyways the movie centres around Mr. Timbercake’s character who is a day by day kinda guy and hits the Jackpot by getting over a decade of time. I personally believe that a sudden influx of money for a person who has been poor all his life has the capacity to run him mad. With our charater, he didn’t run mad but his life was changed greatly at least for a short while. It then goes on to the time police tryna track were he got the time from and he tryna get away from them.

I think I shall hang my boots as regards this movie at that point. The movie is potentially quite interesting but it doesnt quite hit the spot. For me there was just something missing. Apart from it dragging in certain bits, it is actually quite good. One thing I love about it was, in order to save time, the poor people were always in a hurry to do things. They chewed food faster; they jogged instead of walking and so on. While the rich took everything extremely easy in order to avoid getting hurt i.e to remain immortal. I think that immortality would be cool at first but would ultimately become boring AF. But life in a community of immortals would be very different from life as we know it. The pressure to acheive would be seriously reduced; human commitment to one another would be much less.

Anyways I think that’s all for now. Mr. Timberdrake should go back to been a musician and dabble in movies from time to time and not the other way round. And you should catch the movie before it leaves the cinema.

I am and will forever remain (as long as my time doesnt run out)…..

….E the Mean Male Machine

 

1  =  run to the cinema NOW!!!
2  =  walk to the cinema
3  =  catch the movie before it leaves the cinema
4  =  download the movie
5  =  copy the movie from someone who was unfortunate enough to download it
6  =  avoid this movie at all costs

Now that the movie review is over, it is time for me to rant. I watched this particular movie at Ozone Cinema. I normally don’t watch movies at Ozone because there is just someting off about the place for me even though it’s just walking distance form my house (excercise wak and not casual stroll). On this day I really wasn’t in the mood to drive to the Island so I decided to manage my closer option. Aside from the place been hot and full of younglings, for some reason beyond my comprehension, the movie was interrupted 4 TIMES!!!!!! I assume the interruptions where as a reult of power outages but that is till unforgivable. What happend to UPS’s? Anyways at the third one I burst into tears and promised never to go back there again, and I shall be sticking to my promise (at least I will try)

Ra.One

This is a movie review, you can choose to just read it or you could also read all the rambling that came before it (highly recommended).

Ok, even at the height of my reviewing days, I never had the pleasure of reviewing an Indian movie. Yes I said it, I am reviewing an Indian Movie! Most people grew up watching Indian movies, but at some point in their lives they just outgrew them and the idea of watching one caused serious stomach discomfort (at least that how it was for me). A few years ago, with the coming of Silverbird Cinemas to Lagos, I saw some ads for Indian Movies and they were looking really good. Forget all the fake action and overly romantic plots, these movies seemed to have some serious ish going on. So i took a chance and watched one and WOOOOOWWWW it was brilliant. Same level as Hollywood but with dancing and singing for no particular reason. Somewhere in the back of my mind I get the impression that I shall one day go to Mumbai and while strolling down the road, a group of highly trained, colour co-ordinated dancers would start singing and shaking their tushies in the middle of the road for no particular reason. Since I watched that first movie, I have made it a habit of catching one or two Indian movies a year depending on how explosive the poster/previews are. I have not been dissapointed so far, they’ve all been very good.

Back to the movie, or before I get to that, a little reminder of the rating system I used to use:

1  =  run to the cinema NOW!!!
2  =  walk to the cinema
3  =  catch the movie before it leaves the cinema
4  =  rent the dvd if available buy a clear vcd if not
5  =  borrow the vcd from someone who was unfortunate enough to buy it
6  =  avoid this movie at all costs

While I think this rating system is still relevant, I would like to make a minor modification to the rating system specifically 4 and 5

4 = download the movie

5 = copy the movie from someone who was unfortunate enough to download it

With that out of the way, Ra.One!!!!! The starts with an explanation of a new technology that allows the various invisible transition signals floating around the air from our cellphones, wireless devices, satellite dishes and basically any other signal emitting device, be condensed and converted into viewable and touchable forms which was illustrated using a photograph. It goes on to a game designer been tasked to create a great new game and he gets the idea from his son to create a game with the ultimate bad guy, the boss of all bosses, evil incarnate, RA.ONE!!!! The game entails the player wearing a body suit and VR goggles and combating against Ra.One with a character called G.One. For the gamers reading this, this would be really intriguing/exciting. A game that gives u complete physical control of your character, no rubbing of control pads, no been able to walk only in a straight line, some straight up G shit.

Anyways along the long the line things kinda go tits up and the game somehow merges with the new tech and brings to the real world the ultimate baddy RA.ONE (insert chilling soundrack plus dum dum dum sound effect). Now to stop giving details and be very general. The baddy comes out, f’s up evertyhing, murders and maims and they are forced to bring out the goody to stop the baddy. Actually there is a lot more to the story than that, but I don’t wanna put in any spoilers by mistake or on purpose.

Its a truly beautiful movie. Great storyline, wonderful action, stunning visuals, pointless singing and dancing on point (what makes Indian movies so great), lots of very funny bits and beautiful people. I think I should mention at this point that I still have every intention of marrying and Indian woman. They are the hottest, most beautiful people (I originally wrote person, but God saved me from the gbaguan) in the world. A movie lovely enough to inspire me to write a review (only really good and truly horrible movies inspire reviews). While I would love to tell y’all to run to the cinema NOW, I would have to tell you to walk to the cinema (2), because while it is really good, it didn’t exactly leave me drooling spit as a side effect of my mind been totally blown.

Anyways I think I should be going to face that thing that gives me financial sustenance, some people call it a job. While I’m not satisfied with this review, I promise to do a much better job on the next one. So till we jam again like trailer….

….I am and will try to remain, the Mean Male Machine (such a silly name).

I WANT TO REVIEW MOVIES

I know I havent done this in a looooooooooooooooooooooong while so let’s see if I still have it!!!! Errrrrrmm, I can hear y’all whispering that I never had it in the first place but since I have tactile hearing i.e. hearing that chooses to ignore haters, no attention shall be paid to your words.

A couple years back I used to review movies. Just for the fun of it! I recently saw some of my old reviews and I have been inspired to do new ones. Actually the movie reviews weren’t always for the fun of it o. I once was a ghost movie reviewer and I used to get some coins for it even though I think only one of my reviews was ever published.

Ok. Let’s go on to the business of today, a movie review, yipeeeee!!!!!!!!! …but before that I shall digress just a little. I am an irresponsible ass! You are by now tired of reading my shit and wondering if there is actually gonna be a review, I’m wondering the same thing myself. I said I am irresponsible because I’m sitting in my office during working hours typing this stuff out and I actually have serious work to do. Now that I have said that, I hope nobody in management ever gets to read this. Even if they do jo, they don’t know who I am, neither do you. My identity would have to be kept a secret. I’m gonna have to run a double life, sorta like Bruce Wayne and BATMAN!!!!!! I, the incredibly handsome, really cool, office worker who has to fight to get the chics off me would be Bruce Wayne. And I, the incredibly sexy, highly mysterious and totally sophisticated superhero/movie reviewer shall be BATMAN!!!!!!

With all that junk stated, I am happy to say that everything above this shall not be part of the movie review to avoid boring y’all to death (a decision I just reached about 10 seconds ago).